


Of All the Consistencies

by Grendagoodwallis



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Backstory, F/M, Female Pronouns for Grell Sutcliff, Grelliam, Headcanon, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Trans Female Grell Sutcliff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26296864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grendagoodwallis/pseuds/Grendagoodwallis
Summary: Few reapers share anything about their past lives -especially not the messy details of their deaths or their reasons for them- but cinematic records cared not for discretion. Grell's former life story may well explain her actions and state of mind, but how could her past that she had tried so hard to forget change her future? It may shock you, but in many ways.
Relationships: William T. Spears/Grell Sutcliff
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	1. The Record

**Author's Note:**

> First fanfic on AO3, woo! Prepare for some feels with this one though.

Reapers were, by design, not supposed to differentiate from the norm. Their existence as death gods were a repayment to fate for taking their lives before their time, and subsequently altering how the world was. By the highest of standards, reapers were to complete their jobs quietly and swiftly, with the utmost professionalism. Of course, there were some exceptions to the ideals, two exceptions that truly stood out.

One was a reaper called Grell Sutcliff, who worked in collections. Everything about her appearance screamed 'abnormal', and her personality didn't differ from that. The self-proclaimed 'Lady Death' walked and talked with confidence and just the right amount of crazy to put one on edge.

Rumors had spread around a few years back, of her having a large role in the Whitechapel murders, and most were quite frightened of her because of how realistic the rumors seemed to be. The only slight response she provided was, "I did have a mental breakdown recently, but after a short trip to the mental ward I'm good as new"

The second exception to the rule was a far greater threat than Grell had ever been, because at least Grell didn't come after other reapers. He was known as 'Legendary Death' to most, to some he was the Undertaker, but neither name gave his character justice.

He hid his remarkable skills under the guise of a human for years, blending in (in the loosest definition of the phrase) with their society. However, when something got in the way of whatever plan he had, he didn't truly hold anything back. Despite many reapers singing his praises, he had gone rogue and did God knows what in the mortal realm.

Undertaker had become a bit of an issue, due to his desertion and his unpredictability, many employees were wondering if he would be a danger. William T Spears assured them all that, no matter what, they would accept this as an occupational hazard and continue their jobs. Ah, ever the cruel, emotionless supervisor.

In fact, William had more concern than he portrayed. He had plenty of staff that took shifts looking for the rogue, and in return he promised them that all of their work for that shift would be distributed to other employees.

Naturally, some of his employees saw this as an easy way to get out of paperwork, and since there weren't many who wanted to search for the Undertaker anyway, they took as much time as they could. Two of them were Sutcliff and Knox both. They often 'coincidentally' signed up for the same hours, and spent the day doing God only knows what.

_Honestly, I would have expected as much from Sutcliff, but I did indeed have hope for Knox. He has a good set of skills, but his work ethic is horrible._

At least the paperwork was actually getting done for once.

The phone call came around 7:30, which just so happened to be time for William to end his shift. No, of course he wouldn't be going home on time, he had long given up on any hope of getting home before ten. Nonetheless, it didn't stop a small frown from creasing his lips when he saw who it was. He held the reciever to his ear.

"Honestly, Knox, don't you have any respect for your fellow reapers who would like to get home on time?"

"Would love some, boss, but we've got a situation here"

William straightened in his chair, setting down his pen.

"What do you mean by a situation?"

"I mean that we found 'im -the deserter I mean- he's just walkin' down the street"

William stood immediately. Of course it had to be two of his most incompetent workers, to finally find him. Not to mention that they were the ones who didn't defeat him last time, even with a demon's help.

"Give me your location, and for God's sake where is Sutcliff?"

"We're in Stratford-upon-Avon, can't really miss us. And Grell's right 'ere"

William exhaled out of his nose as he heard a, "Hello my darling!" in the background.

"Anyways, we good to go and get 'im?"

"Absolutely not. We'll have backup sent to you within the hour, but until then you do not have permission- no, you have _express orders_ not to engage"

"Grell ain't gonna like that"

"I don't care what Sutcliff likes, it isn't his job to 'like' anything. He will follow orders or he will face consequences, and after all this time he understands that well enough"

Ronald huffed, "Alright, we'll stay put boss"

"We will arrive shortly"

The call ended.

Looking to his left, Ronald Knox debated on how he should break it to the higher up that their orders were to wait. Grell hated waiting, as a matter of fact, she was antsy already. She swung her legs back and forth over the overhanging roof, ready to go at any second. He chose to appeal to her reaction, and spoke in a disappointed tone.

"Boss says we gotta wait"

Grell whipped her head towards Ronald in anger. She had been keeping a close eye on Undertaker the entire phone call, and only just now had she looked up.

"Wait?! He's right there, and he has no idea we're here, we have the advantage!"

"He'll know we're here if you don't keep your voice down!" Ronald whisper-yelled. Grell huffed. but she lowered her volume.

"Why do we have to wait?"

"He says that we gotta wait for backup, should be here in a bit"

"Wait for backup- if more reapers arrive then he'll sense us before we even have a chance to move in!"

"Honestly, I'd rather listen to Will this time 'round. I don't really feel like getting our arses handed to us again"

Grell waved her hand at him, and began to stand.

"The only reason that we lost last time was because we weren't ready for him to fight back the way that he did, and we had just fended off a hoard of the undead"

Ronald stood with her, hand already grasping her arm in an attempt at holding her back.

"Sutcliff, I seen that look before-"

"Oh come now Ronnie-"

"-and that look means that you are about to break rules"

"You don't have to come with me, but if anyone asks," Grell picked up her scythe and patted Ronald's cheek, "you can tell them that he attacked us first"

Ronald, knowing full well that he wasn't changing her mind, grabbed his own death scythe from nearby.

"I'm telling you it's a bad idea"

Grell just smirked and hopped down from the roof, Ronald following after her. He made the mental note to use this to pressure Will into giving him a bonus.

Grell was in a dead sprint before he even landed on the ground, and he could barely keep up with her. She had been itching for a rematch for a while, even if Ronald told her that she was a bit too excited to face off with Legendary Death himself, but what did a rookie know?

\---

William arrived with four other reapers forty minutes after he ended the call. He placed dispatch under high alert before getting a small team together.

They had been some of his best field workers since they left the academy, and they had all been briefed on the mission. The rogue was to be brought in alive and relatively unharmed.

As long as Sutcliff and Knox had kept it together things would go smoothly, but from the sound of motors in the distance, they had in fact not. William cursed quietly to himself.

_Honestly, they couldn't even manage to obey to simplest order of doing nothing._

As the team neared the sound of the commotion, they prepared their scythes for a fight. Most of them weren't thrilled about going up against such a poweful reaper, but they certainly weren't going to object to Spears' orders. He was in a bad mood as it was, and Sutcliff's antics weren't going to help.

Setting his eyes upon the scene in front of him, William sighed. Grell was putting every bit of her energy into her chainsaw, moving faster than she should be with such a heavy tool. She swung at full force, and it was clear that she was not holding back.

Ronald's attacks were a bit more calculated than Grell's, since he definitely didn't want things to end up like last time. With a sigh, William gave the other employees the all clear and moved in.

Ronald turned at the sight of his coworkers.

"Nice o' you to join us boss!"

"The one thing I asked of you, and you couldn't do it. You two regularly do nothing, so this should have been easy for you"

"He attacked first!" Grell and Ronald answered in unison.

The Undertaker laughed at that. Using him as a scapegoat? The little reapers couldn't even take the consequences of their own choices. He said nothing to correct their lie, but continued fending them off.

The redhead was quite energetic in her attacks. Her death scythe and her cocky banter were really the only things that held her back. Her attacks were heavy, and if she missed, she often caused more than a little damage.

"Sutcliff!" William shouted, barely missing her scythe, "Pay attention, and have some consideration for those around you!"

"I'm not about to let anyone else get in my way, I'm focusing!" Grell shouted, swinging once again. This time, her scythe took a few bricks out of an innocent building.

"If your scythe was a reasonable size and you followed proper training guidelines then it wouldn't require so much focus"

"To _hell_ with the guidelines, don't distract me!!"

Redhead comes from the right, mower from right behind her, another three from the left, Willy from behind. Their attacks were all quite predictable after a bit, and few of them could really keep up.

However, the sheer number of them was a bit challenging, and Undertaker didn't want to draw the battle out for too long.

He began scanning his surroundings, and it didn't take long for him to find who he was looking for. Swiftly deflecting every other reaper, Undertaker lunged out of the range of his attackers, and swung his blade.

William was the group's superior. Reapers, when left without any structure, usually floundered. Redhead may be a bit of a wild card, but he could deal with her by herself.

What Undertaker had not considered, was the wild card to suddenly appear in his path, swinging at full force. He ducked her saw, but she didn't sidestep his sickle.

The blade plunged deep into her side before she could raise her weapon a second time, as she gasped in surprise. She didn't look down, for she knew that it would only look terrible, and kept her focus on the opponent.

Time seemed to still when they locked eyes for a single moment. Grell could see the surprise, Undertaker could see the fear.

The moment lasted only that- a moment, before time resumed and every reaper rushed towards the two. William had barely processed the situation before he instinctually attacked in synchronization.

Undertaker swung again, Grell still impaled on the end of his scythe, knocking the children back. The lady reaper attempted to pry herself from the end of his blade, to no avail. Ronald rushed to Grell's aid, but was unable to reach her between the Undertaker's attacks.

William looked at his employees; bruised, bleeding, and exhausted. There was no chance that they stood at beating the Undertaker in their condition. Ever the hardworker, William was reluctant to give up, when the Undertaker spoke.

"Listen, you all. These things won't happen so long as you keep away from me. I have beaten plenty of reapers like you before, and believe me, I have the energy to fend you all off for a while. The fighting will continue until one party gives in, and I don't intend for it to be myself"

With his final warning, Undertaker jerked his scythe, and Grell was released. He was nearly over the rooftops when she hit the ground, and he didn't have the chance to watch the cinematic record spill from her body.

Grell's life played before everyone's eyes, and hers fell shut.


	2. The Girl

The creature started with the name of Arthur Paulein. His life was that of a poor farmer's son, in a small farming village twenty miles South of the city of Münster. His father planted rye in the Summer, and barley in the Spring. _Bram, his name was._

He had no mother; she had died only a few days after his birth, leaving him to his grieving father. Bram would tell Arthur how his late wife and himself had promised each other that they would do anything and everything they could for their son to be happy.

One of the first of the young Arthur's memories was from when he was three, and his father sitting him down for a talk.

"No less than two months ago, an angel came to your papa in a dream," he explained, "The angel was your mother. She told me that soon, I would have a daughter, and that I must do all that I can to love her as everything she is. At first I thought perhaps that I was destined to remarry and bring a new baby girl into our home"

"So is that why you left?"

"Yes, I was looking for the woman who would be my wife, but I had no luck. But when you began your... your stories, and your games, it became clearer to me that the angel didn't mean for me to have another child. It meant that I would exchange my son for a daughter"

"The preacher told us that I was sick"

"Yes, he did, but I would take the word of an angel over a man"

Bram paused.

"I went into town today, and found this for you"

"Papa, it's so pretty!"

"If you truly want to be a woman, then I shall still care for you as my daughter"

"Thank you, papa"

"You're welcome, my dear. Now, shall we find a new name for you?"

Less than an hour later, Arthur Paulein ceased to exist, and in his place came Evangeline.

\---

Four years down the line, at seven and a half years old, Evangeline was playing peacefully by candlelight with her dolls made from wheat. The sky was dark, and it was far past time for father to return from the fields. She sat in front of the door, occasionally staring at it, willing her father to come home. And he did.

Bram rushed into his home and shut the door quickly, bracing himself against it. He was breathing hard, and he stared off into the distance.

"Papa?"

The man looked at his daughter, and his face relaxed. He straightened himself before walking to Evangeline's side, and kneeling down next to her.

"I'm alright, dearheart, I'm alright"

"Are you scared?"

He scooped her into his arms.

"Not scared. Just startled"

Evangeline wrapped her arms around her father's neck as he carried her up the ladder, into the loft, and to the tiny bed he'd made for her. Gently placing her down, he pulled the woolen blankets over her small form.

"Sleep now, dear. I must write something"

He kissed her cheek, before he stood and left her. Evangeline didn't pay attention after that, she only curled up in her bed, and shut her eyes to the sound of her father's quill on parchment.

\---

Three mornings later, Evangeline was told to wear her good dress. This was odd since it wasn't Sunday, but she didn't object. She always felt pretty in her little red dress.

Her father put on his newest hat, sat Evangeline in front of him on the horse, and began their short ride.

The ride took them directly across the road to the expensive house that she could only see from the loft. It was two stories high, with a field of green grass surrounding it.

The siding was a creme color, and there were more windows than Evangeline had ever seen in a house. There was a flower garden around the front, and it gave off the most lovely scent.

When they arrived at the front door, her father tied down the horse and gently brought Evangeline down from its back.

"I am having a meeting with the man who owns this land. I need you on your best behavior while I'm busy"

Evangeline nodded, "What are you going to talk about papa?"

"Adult business, dearheart"

Her father took her hand and led her to the door. After three knocks, a young woman with fire red hair answered them in an Irish accent.

"May I help you?"

"Yes miss. My name is Bram Paulein, and I am here to speak to the head of the house. They are expecting me"

The woman gave them both a strange look, before stepping aside to let them in. She hurriedly left the room.

Evangeline was amazed by the amount of open space in the home. Paintings decorated the walls, along with a table with a singular flower vase. It was clean and bright, and she'd never seen anything so extravagant.

An older man entered the room from a living room. He wore a dark green suit with shiny silver buttons. His hair was a greying brown, but his mustache remained a dark color.

"My maid tells me that you're Mr Paulein, the man who's written to me?"

Bram took off his hat and held it to his chest.

"Yes, sir, I am. I wished to discuss our business in person rather than writing"

"I feel the same, it's a personal occasion"

They went quiet for a moment, and Evangeline was about to ask what they meant by 'personal occasion', but her father patted her on the head.

"This is my daughter, Evangeline. I didn't want to leave her alone, I hope that isn't any trouble"

For the first time, the man smiled as he looked down at the girl.

"Oh no, no trouble at all sir, I'm sure she is.. well behaved" he shook her small hand. She noticed that his hands were soft, unlike her father's calloused ones.

"As a matter of fact, I have a boy of about nine upstairs with my wife"

Evangeline perked up. She'd never known that there was another kid that lived in this house, and she was glad that she wouldn't be entirely lonely while she was there.

"We can retrieve her and leave the children to play while we discuss"

Evangeline almost skipped up the stairs behind her father and the other man. He led them down a hall (the house just got bigger and bigger), before opening a blue door. When Evangeline peeked inside, she saw the most beautiful bedroom that she'd ever seen.

The walls were red halfway down, and white the rest of the way up. Bookshelves lined the wall to the left, with a small writing desk in the middle of them all. The right wall had a bed in the center between two windows, with white blankets.

There were two reading chairs in the corner of the room. In one of them, a woman sat in a long brown dress, a book in her hands. She was very beautiful, albeit greying about as much as her husband was, with dark hair and light blue eyes.

In the chair opposite to her, was a young boy. He had dark hair like his father and mother. He was dressed in a blue tailcoat and breeches, with a white linen collared shirt with lace. He had a pair of reading spectacles on his nose, from which he looked up. He had the lightest blue eyes.

"Eleanore, this is the Mr Paulein, the man who wrote us the other morning"

Eleanore stiffened, and stood from the armchair with a smile.

"Mr Paulein, this _is_ a surprise. Welcome to my home"

Bram bowed his head.

"Thank you, my lady. I came to discuss the contents of my letter with you and your husband, if it isn't any trouble"

Eleanore pressed her lips into a thin line. "Not at all. We were just finishing our lesson" she gestured to the boy, who looked at her in confusion.

"This is our son, William"

The boy set down his book and spectacles, and stood to shake Bram's hand, who smiled.

"A fine boy you have, Mr and Mrs Spears. If I may reintroduce my daughter, Evangeline"

When William saw Evangeline, he froze, not exactly sure what to do with her. He breifly bowed his head to her, when his father grabbed his attention.

"William, Evangeline is your guest. Be a proper host while your mother and I speak with Mr Paulein"

William nodded hesitantly, looking back to Evangeline as the adults left the room.

They were quiet for a bit, and Evangeline commented, "You have a lots of books"

William's shoulders finally relaxed a little.

"If you'd like to read some, I have some short ones"

"Oh, I can't read much. But you must be a good reader if you have so many stories"

William looked confused. "Do you not have reading lesssons?"

"No"

"Then how do you plan to be well cultured?"

"Father says I'm going to get married and then I'm going to be cultured"

"Who are you going to marry?"

"We don't know. My father says we'll start looking when I'm a woman"

"My parents say they already have a few young ladies in mind for me. I've met a few"

"And?"

"And what?"

"Do you like them?"

William made a face. "Not a bit. They're all pushy and their dresses are so big I can't even come close to them"

Evangeline laughed. She'd seen girls like that in town, and she didn't care much for them either. They acted strangely, like they weren't allowed to play, or speak.

"Are they the ones that wear perfumes that make you sick?" she asked.

William smiled a bit. "Some of them. I would rather not marry any of them, they have no real personality"

"I thought everyone had one"

"Everyone does, but theirs are all the same, and I don't like it. Some are far older than I am, and they don't care for me"

"I would care for you"

William gave her a strange look, before changing the subject.

"Did you want to read a book?"

"I'm not good"

"That doesn't matter, I have light books"

The boy walked to a shelf and examined his collection.

"What types of books do you like?"

Evangeline had to think hard on that one; she hadn't read hardly any books, and all the stories her papa told her were fairytales.

"I like love stories"

William nodded, and pulled a book down. Evangeline couldn't read the title.

"What is that?"

"This is Pericles, Prince of Tyre. It's Shakespeare"

"So is it hard to read?"

William thought, before opening to the first page, and showing it to her. Looking at the text, she had no idea what they meant, though she recognized some words. She shook her head at him. William turned the book back towards himself.

"I can read it to you, if you want"

Evangeline perked up, and nodded her head excitedly. It had been a long time since she'd heard a new story, and she'd never heard such a fancy one before.

William walked to his reading chair, and put his spectacles back on. Evangeline stood awkwardly next to him, until he told her that she could sit in the other chair, and she did.

"To sing a song that old was sung, from ashes, ancient Gower is come. Assuming man's infirmities, to glad your ear and please your eyes-"

"Who is Gower?"

"He's a poet, he reads the introductions"

"Oh"

"To glad your ear and please your eyes. It hath been sung at festivals -hath means has- on ember-eves and holy-ales, and lords and ladies in their lives have read it for restoratives -to relax."

\---

Evangeline found herself enjoying the story as William read on. She managed to pick up on the way Shakespeare wrote, and if she didn't, she asked William.

The story was indeed one she enjoyed; William had just known. She hadn't noticed how much time had passed until the door to William's bedroom opened, and the maid from earlier walked in.

"Master, the girl's father has requested her downstairs"

Evangeline got to her feet as William shut the book and removed his spectacles, following her out of the room.

When Evangeline reached the bottom of the stairs, her father was waiting for her with William's parents.

"There you are dearheart, did you have fun?"

Evangeline nodded vigorously.

"William read me a story!"

"That's good"

Bram looked back to the other adults, whose faces were blank of emotion.

"Thank you for your hospitality, sir, ma'am," he addressed them both, taking Evangeline's hand, "I look forward to speaking with you both again"

Mr Spears nodded curtly, as Bram led his daughter out of the house.

\---

The rest of that afternoon, while her father worked the fields, Evangeline's head was filled with fantasies as she did chores around her home. She imagined herself as the fair Thaisa, believing her husband to have drowned at sea.

"To me, he seems like diamond to glass!"

It excited her, the tragedy of the tale. They hadn't been able to finish the story, but she hoped that she would see William again, and he would read her the ending.


	3. The Rescue

Much to Evangeline's delight, she saw William again just a few days later. Her father had another "meeting" with Mr Spears that afternoon, and he told her that she only had to come along if she wanted. She was in her second best dress before he had his boots on.

This time William was already waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs to lead her to his room, as she nearly ran past the maid (before remembering her manners of course) and straight to him.

"It's a pleasure to see you again"

Evangeline's brow furrowed. She had entirely forgotten what she was supposed to say back.

"I'm also happy to see you too William"

Nope.

The two went silent for a moment, while William processed what he would say next and Evangeline tried not to slap herself silly.

"I kept our place from last time, if you wanted to keep reading"

"Oh yes! I do!"

It didn't take them long to finish the book since they were already close to the end, and Evangeline was enraptured the entire time. Her father had once told her fairy tales of princesses and knights, but they were nothing compared to this. The ups and downs, the twists, the suspense, they gave Evangeline a thrill that she didn't even quite understand at first. She did understand, however, that this was the most excitement she'd ever felt, and she wasn't even in the story.

"So, on your patience evermore attending, new joy wait on you! Here our play has ending" William closed the book as he finished, set it on the side table, before turning to Evangeline for her response.

"How did you like it?"

"I loved it a lots!" Evangeline exclaimed. "The happy ending took so long to come! I didn't know if it was going to!"

"I'm glad I didn't pick a tragedy, then" William said, as he slid the book back onto the shelf. He turned back to Evangeline.

"We finished the story, but it seems we still have some time left before your father is ready to leave. What should we do?"

Evangeline had no idea what she wanted to do. She'd rarely played with other children, but when she did, they were all girls and it was their games.

"What do you usually play?"

"I don't play much" William told her, "My mother usually gives me my lessons and lets me write for the rest of the day"

"What do you write?"

William turned a bit pink, "It's just grammar practice, it's nothing special"

"Okay, what do you do when you aren't doing practice?"

William gave her a strange look, like he was confused.

"Sometimes I walk outside, to the tree line"

Evangeline stood, eager to stretch her legs. If the story had been any less exciting, she wouldn't have been able to sit still as long as she had.

"So let's go!"

Evangeline let William lead the way, through the hall, down the stairs, through to the kitchen (where the ginger maid was hurriedly chopping up apples), and outside.

Evangeline took the lead from there, the tree line was already in sight. She found a stick on the ground, and used it to bat at weeds and anything else she could hit. William walked quietly a few feet away, careful of her weapon.

"Why are you hitting at things?"

"I don't know, it feels fun"

"Is it?"

"Have you never tried?"

Before he could answer, Evangeline held the stick out to him and pointed at a plant that stood out farther than the others.

"Try it! Hit it!"

William looked apprehensive as he swung the stick with one hand. The sound was a nice _thwack!_ as the weed swayed back (though slightly askew) to its original position.

William stood still, unsure of what to do with himself, as Evangeline trotted back from where she had wandered to. She had another branch in her hand, and she gave the plant another good whack. When William noticed her staring at him, he assumed it was his turn again. This time he broke the stem of the poor plant, and it lay limply next to where it had once stood. Evangeline began walking further toward the cluster of trees.

"Come on!"

William followed just behind her, as she continued swatting at anything that got in her way.

Evangeline got to the tree line and immediately began swinging on a low hanging branch, attempting to pull herself up to it.

"Are you going to climb the tree with me William?"

"No, it would get my clothes dirty"

"How do you climb trees at all then?"

"I don't usually"

Evangeline gave him the strange look this time, as she finally wrapped her leg around the branch, and pulled herself onto it. She looked down at William expectantly.

"My mother will be upset if I ruin this coat"

"Then take it off!"

"But my undershirt is white, that would get dirty too"

"You can get this shirt dirty if you have a lots of other white undershirts"

William thought about this, and concluded that Evangeline was right. His father _had_ told him to always be a good host, so he carefully removed his coat and laid it out on a rock. He opted to climb up from the base of the tree, and did so very carefully, still worried about his clothes.

When he looked up, Evangeline was already several branches above him, seemingly having found a good spot. How on Earth he was supposed to get up to her, he had no clue, when Evangeline spotted him below her.

"You have to go over there"

She pointed to the end of the tree branch where she had been, and above it was another. William did _not_ want to go out there, so he shook his head.

"It's easier to get up here from there"

"I don't want to go out there, why don't you come back down?"

"Because it's better up here"

William shook his head a second time. He was about to shimmy back down the trunk of the tree when Evangeline began climbing further towards him. She reached out her hand to him.

"Then give me your hand"

William was a bit hesitant. What if she wasn't strong enough to pull him up? What if he fell? What if _she_ fell? Would her father be upset if she got hurt?

Evangeline grabbed his hand in the middle of his thought process and began pulling him towards her, forcing him to stand. William felt his stomach drop, as he began realizing just how far up they both were, and how he had much less balance this way.

"Climb!"

William looked around, and put his foot on a branch that wasn't too hard to reach. With Evangeline's hands steadying him, he found his way up to her branch. She smiled at him, and he found himself smiling back. He was quite relieved to be steady again, though he knew that getting down was going to be a challenge.

"I want to go to the top"

William went pale.

"You're not going to make me come with are you?"

Evangeline paused to think. "No, you can go back down if you want to"

William felt no greater relief than when his feet were on solid ground again, but he felt sick to his stomach when he saw just how high Evangeline had gone.

"Are you okay?!" he shouted up to her.

"I'm fine! I'm gonna come down soon!"

Evangeline looked at her surroundings, and listened to the noises of the animals and wind. The sun reached her here, and it was hot upon her cheek. She noted how much better the experience would be with her friend. She would tell him about it of course, and he'd no doubt want to climb up with her then.

Evangeline began her descent, and noticed that William was standing just under her branch. She was about to tell him to try climbing again, when she spotted the large brown snake sitting just in front of him. It was curled into a tight ball, and looking up at him intently. William was frozen, frightened. Would the snake attack if he moved? Would it just go away? Was it poisonous?

As quick as she could be, Evangeline broke a sizable branch off of the tree, and shimmied down the trunk on the other side. She ran up from the left of the snake, and slammed the thickest part of the branch down on it. The creature flailed, but it didn't suffer long, as Evangeline hit it again, and again, intent on saving her companion. She only stopped when the snake no longer moved, and she celebrated.

"I did it! I saved you!"

William looked at her in surprise, as she smiled at him. She looked at her stick, then dropped it immediately.

"Ew, it's got guts all over it!"

"Why did you do that?"

Evangeline looked puzzled. "Because that one was probably deadly! Papa says that it's best to just kill them"

"No, why did you run in? It could have bitten you too"

Evangeline laughed and shook her head. "It wouldn't have, I was too fast! And you needed saving!"

William was about to retort, when they both heard a voice off in the distance.

"That's probably my father, we should hurry back" said William, stepping over what remained of the viper and picking up his coat.

Evangeline nodded, and started back at a dead sprint. William followed just behind her, and they both arrived back at William's home safely. Evangeline went home to her fantasies of Pericles, Prince of Tyre.


	4. The Poem

Evangeline Paulein soon found that her life became a bit more busy after that day in the Spring. Her father told her that she could see William whenever she wanted, and she always did. So every few days, Evangeline and William would spend an afternoon together; exploring the fields, reading, playing with Evangeline's home-made toys, and occupying themselves in each other's company.

The two became more comfortable around each other over the months. Evangeline learned that William had always had difficulty making friends with other boys, and most girls only wanted to play with other girls. There weren't many games that he could play with them anyway; Mrs Spears had made it quite clear that she didn't want her son coming home with bruises and scratches, all covered in dirt. Evangeline swore to her that she would get all the bruises for the both of them.

Mrs Spears was a feminine figure that Evangeline had never known that she needed. She was skilled in her grace and poise, never once had Evangeline seen her lose her composure, and despite the signs of her age she was one of the most beautiful women Evangeline had ever seen. She was a strict woman with high expectations, and while she allowed Evangeline and William to spend so much time around each other, she never hesitated to gently tell everyone else just what those expectations were.

Evangeline recalled Mrs Spears taking her aside, and running a brush through her white-blonde hair.

"Dear me, you've gone and knotted your hair! A lady can never present anything but her best self. When you're older, you will stop playing silly games, and you won't have to worry about your hair getting so messy"

On the opposite side of things, Mr Spears hardly interacted with Evangeline. However, when he did, he was a warm, polite man. Once when she had skinned her knees, he got her a sweet roll from the pantry to make her feel better. He smiled and told her, "You'll be more careful next time, dear girl"

Four years she spent with the Spears family, and she became quite close to them all, but none more so than William. He was just like his mother, in the respect that he wasn't one for letting his emotions get out of hand. Whenever there was a disagreement, Evangeline found it hard to argue with him. At age 11, Evangeline found herself more interested in William by the week. She had gotten old enough to do more chores around the house, but not once did she ever let them get in the way of her time with her best friend.

One evening, Evangeline had finished her chores earlier than usual, and ran down the road to the Spears' home. After knocking twice, the ginger maid (who she learned was called Aisling) opened the door.

"Hello Aisling, may I come in"

The woman smiled down at her.

"Good to see ye again Evangeline. 'Fraid ye've caught master William during a bath, we weren't expecting ye so 'arly"

Evangeline entered, and heard the door shut gently behind her.

"Ye can wait in his bedroom until he's done, shouldn't take too long now"

"Thank you Aisling" Evangeline responded as she made her way up the familiar staircase.

When she reached William's bedroom, she made her way to the armchairs when something caught her eye. There were random sheets of paper on the writing desk by the window, along with a quill and ink. Evangeline knew that this was odd, because William always kept things in his room neatly put away. She hesitated, before walking over to look.

There were about three pages with writing on them, and she picked one up.

_The night sky brings a strange comfort_

_As the atmosphere shifts through its endless shades_

_One can't help but stare into the void of space_

_And realize how small one is in the vastness of it all_

_Few make an impact on this Earth_

_Fewer still on anything bigger_

_And it is this that brings the peace_

_Of knowing that you are small_

_This makes it even more lovely_

_To find something that matters to you_

_Because this something is as small as you are_

_And still they seem the biggest of all_

Though she couldn't read some words (William had definitely helped her with that), she could make out most of what it meant. The next page held more of a story.

_Never before has a being had such an effect on someone, or altered another as she has. Another day, another word, and a further change that feels as indescribable as the one who caused it. She hit like a comet and immediately set to work on changing me to fit her. She molds me to a boy that can complete her. The most wonderful part of it is that I am willing to let her change me as much as she wants, because I have felt nothing better than being part of her._

Evangeline's reading was interrupted by the paper being ripped from her hand. She turned and saw William, his hair still slightly damp from the bath and his face flushed red with embarrassment.

"What are you doing?"

"I was just reading the poems-"

"Why?"

"Because I saw them!"

William stared for a minute.

"Who are they written by?"

William didn't respond, but he only shoved the pages into a drawer in his desk. Evangeline put two and two together.

"William, was that you?"

William flushed darker, but refused to make eye contact.

"I didn't know that you write-"

"What about it?" William asked, flustered, "I never intended for you to see those, they were private!"

"I didn't know, I thought they were just pages from books"

William stilled, and took a few breaths, while Evangeline pondered what to say.

"I thought they were pretty"

William flushed again, an even deeper shade of red, and for once he didn't seem to know what to say. He inhaled like he was going to speak, but nothing ever came out.

"May I read the others?"

"N-no"

Evangeline was many things, but not stupid. Of course she knew who those poems were really about.

It was then that she began to see that she was in love with William Thomas Spears. After the incident of her finding his poems, she became far more aware of how he behaved around her. She could catch him staring, or standing a bit too close, or brushing her hand. William was indescribably hard to read, probably since birth, but the moment Evangeline began paying extra careful attention she noticed all of his subtle gestures. It made her heart flutter in her chest every time, and it never got old.

It was on her thirteenth birthday, when he worked up the courage to gently kiss her cheek, that she realized that she _always_ been in love with William.


	5. The Engagement

Evangeline never once experienced a greater feeling than being loved. He was quite the romantic, as displayed previously by his poems, and more so by how he courted her. She never realized how much attention he gave her until he knew things that she didn't even remember telling him. He knew she loved red roses, so he would often give her one when they met. He gave her a copy of _Cymbeline_ , since she loved it so much when he read it to her. But all of his gifts paled in comparison to how he talked to her. He loved to shower her with compliments that made her flush a deep pink, and fidget with her hands. Evangeline grew absolutely smitten with the boy she'd grown up with, and honestly couldn't believe that he'd taken a romantic interest in her.

As wonderful as courtship was, Evangeline was still faced with the challenges that came with her development.

She had been quite horrified to find one morning that she had a bit of stubble on her chin. Bram comforted his tearful daughter for a while, before he was forced to teach her how to shave. It was easy enough, but there were many problems that couldn't be fixed so easily.

She had also noticed, a few weeks later, that she was developing a small Adam's apple, and more of a square jaw. When her voice began to deepen was when she was truly hit by the fact that she would go through these changes, and there was nothing that she could do about it. She began to hate how her reflection looked, how it was hers but so foreign. Her flat chest, her small hips, her fuzzy chin. The only thing her father could do was reassure her that the angel in his dreams was right about her, that she was always going to be his beautiful little girl.

She attempted to explain away all these features to the Spears family.

"I suppose the muscle comes from working in the field and churning the butter"

"My neck? Oh, my father says that my mother had a neck like this. I was destined to have it"

"I suppose it's just my luck, I must have scratched my chin somewhere, how embarrassing!"

William made sure to rectify any uncertainty he saw in her. He told her how gorgeous he found her long hair, and how he adored her deep, brown eyes. No matter how downtrodden her appearance made her, he could always make her feel beautiful again.

She was 14 when William led her to their tree line, and spread out a blanket for them to sit on. Evangeline didn't climb the tree this time. The sky was turning pink when they left, and the sunset shone brilliantly through the leaves. William was quieter than usual, and she noticed how he fidgeted with his hands, which was something he rarely did. Finally she decided to bring it up, and William turned a bit pink.

"I'm... trying to think about what I'm going to say"

Evangeline's question must have shown in her expression, because William took a deep breath and began to speak.

"Evangeline. For the past few years, you have been... a source of inspiration to me, and I have never enjoyed anything as much as your company"

It was Evangeline's turn to blush, but William wasn't finished.

"I have never connected so easily with another person, and never as deeply as you. You are my light, my life, and I couldn't possibly imagine spending any more time without you at my side"

Evangeline's heart quickened, as she recognized the tone. She looked at William with wide eyes as he held the little golden band out to her.

"Evangeline Rose Paulein, would you be my wife?"

The world seemed to fall silent in its own shock, even the wind held its breath in anticipation of her answer. For a moment, she could only stare at his face. Her William, whom she loved so much, was asking her the question that she had dreamed of hearing for years.

The moment that she began to nod her head, the world resumed, and she was suddenly flooded with the most beautiful, lovely energy. In a second, she had taken William to the ground with a cry of pure joy. She held him tight, and only squeezed harder when he wrapped his arms around her waist.

When she finally released him, her smile only brightened when William gently took her hand and slid the ring onto her finger. It was a welcome weight, and she noted how much prettier her hand looked with it on.

"I love you, Evangeline"

"I love you too, William"

Evangeline discovered, upon arriving back at the Spears household, that Bram and William's parents had all been eagerly waiting for her answer. Her father beamed for her, as William shook his hand.

"About time, I've been telling him that even if he proposed 6 years ago you would have said yes!"

William turned a bit pink, and chose not to respond. Evangeline went to Mr and Mrs Spears. Mr Spears smiled at her briefly, gently held her hand, and nodded his head. That was all Evangeline needed to know that he was fine with it. When she was to hug Mrs Spears, the woman smiled unusually bright, and squeezed her a bit harder than she normally would. While outwardly projecting the same happiness as the others, Evangeline could see how her skin had paled, and her eyes seemed to stare through her.

Mr Spears announced quickly that they should be getting ready for bed soon.

"You will both need your rest if you're planning a wedding, can't make good decisions with no sleep" he added with a chuckle.

William kissed Evangeline goodnight on her cheek, and she beamed. As she and her father rode home, she hugged him tightly. She couldn't help but be ever so grateful to him. What if he had chosen to ignore that angel, all those years ago? Would she be forced to cut her hair, and wear suits? She and William may have never even fallen in love.

As soon as they had gotten the horse situated for the night, Evangeline danced back into her home and merrily began her evening rituals. A glance in the mirror told her that she would need to shave again soon, but not even that could spoil her mood. She smiled at herself, and felt like the most beautiful girl in the world.

As she was flitting around, she noticed that her father was being a bit quiet. He would usually be just as jovial as her when something good happened, and it wasn't like him to keep to himself.

"Papa, are you alright?"

Bram didn't look up immediately. He huffed, then turned his gaze to Evangeline and gestured for her to sit next to him.

She did so, giving him a strange look as she sat.

Bram looked at his daughter, and spoke.

"Evangeline, there is no easy way to tell you this, and I hate spoiling your mood but..." he paused as he rubbed the back of his neck, "William doesn't know about your... your body, does he?"

She stiffened as she was reminded of the subject that she'd briefly forgotten. She shook her head. Bram sighed.

"Dearheart, I don't want to bring this up, but it's important for you to be aware of this now, rather than finding out later. If you two are wed, William would probably want to... consummate the marriage?"

Evangeline would normally have flushed bright red at such a subject, if she weren't coming to the grim conclusion in her head. What if he didn't want her when he knew? Would he be angry, or feel tricked? Would he tell anyone? Would he even want to stay married?

Tears fell from her eyes, as she imagined every way that he could react to her body. This body that she didn't even want. Bram pulled her into a hug and let her cry into his shoulder.

"Evangeline, you are my beautiful daughter, I love you. I know it hurts, but for reasons no one knows, life is going to be more difficult for you than any other woman. I'm confident that William is serious about you, but if he were to be upset by... just, tell him before the wedding. Don't let him figure it out for himself, but explain everything"

"What if he doesn't want me when I tell him?" Evangeline tearfully asked.

Bram paused. "Then I suppose he isn't the one"

Evangeline began to sob, and her father held her tighter. She cried because she knew that William was the only one she could ever want, and she doubted if she could find anyone else that she could love as much as him.


	6. The Water

William got the letter two weeks after they had started the wedding planning. His mother brought it to him with a wide smile on her face, and the words “Cambridge wrote us back, William, you’ve been accepted!”

He told Evangeline almost immediately, of course, and she could feel the pride swell within her. William had told her that Cambridge was a good university where he could study mathematics further. The problem was, they couldn’t very well plan a wedding with him all the way over in England (William was going to be across the North Sea in England for four years). William offered to stay, but neither Evangeline nor his mother would have it.

“I couldn’t possibly ask you to throw this away. What’s four years to the rest of our lives? I will wait for you, my dear”

William was gone in early August. Evangeline had to force herself to set him free from her tight hold, and William didn’t find it any easier. After making him promise to write as soon as he could (and several ‘last kisses goodbye’), she tearfully waved to him from the docks, and stayed sitting there even after the boat was out of sight.

The first month was difficult. William kept true to his word, and sent her a letter within the first few weeks. He told her all of the things he’d seen in Cambridge, and how he missed her dearly. Once again, she melted at his words, and kept the letter in a small box that she kept with her clothes. She missed him the most during the day, since there was no more reason to get her chores done early. There was one good thing that came from William’s absence; he didn’t have to listen to Evangeline’s voice deepen ever so slightly more every day. She tried her best to talk in a higher pitch, even going as far as speaking in a sultry tone, in an attempt at femininity. It was the best she had, and she made do.

Every month came with a new letter, and new developments. William quite enjoyed it in England; in his words, ‘The only thing wrong here is that it is missing a young maid with beautiful blonde hair, and deep brown eyes. If only she were here, things would be perfect’.

Evangeline treasured every single one of his letters. She never really had learned to write, but after going to Mrs Spears (“It’s about time! If you know how to read, you have to know how to write!”), she began writing him back. Of course she had nothing as exciting to tell him, but she did have several months of longing that she held only for him. She hoped that she hadn’t misspelled too much as she paid the few coins to have it delivered.

When William wrote her the next month she was absolutely stunned by his words, as it seemed that he was thrilled to hear from her. This continued for a while, until William wrote to her in late November that he was coming home to celebrate Christmas Day. She was elated, and counted down almost by the hour until December 14th, when she could see him home again.

She nearly ran past Mr and Mrs Spears to get to the dock, and she almost took William to the ground with her. She kissed him more than was probably appropriate, and she could feel the eyes of the passerby, but for once that didn’t matter. She and William didn’t stop talking the whole hour on the way back to their homes, and she didn’t stop smiling once.

“I have to come home, if I’m to celebrate Christmas at all, the English particularly despise the Church. I still quite enjoy Cambridge, and I’ve even yet to see London. I think we would both like it there, Evangeline”

Evangeline nearly swooned at that. Living with William in an English home, just the two of them. She pushed away her dark thoughts for the days that William was home. He didn’t seem to either notice or mind her voice, and he still looked at her the same way he did the last time they saw each other. The two families spent Christmas day together, laughing and sharing the warmth of their joy.

However, with the new year, William had to leave once again. Evangeline couldn’t help a little impatience. Another four years of this, and she’d marry him right on the docks when he got back.

William kept his letters as consistent as he could, though, he noted that the lessons were increasing in their difficulty. He also wrote about the few friends he was making; Richard and Edison who were in his class, his instructor, Professor Kinsleigh, and the professor’s daughter, Margaret Kinsleigh.

Evangeline couldn’t lie to herself; she felt a bit of jealousy at the mention of a woman being close with her William while she was so far away from him, but she told herself that William had never betrayed her trust before, and he wouldn’t start now. Not even for a real woman.

William often wrote about Margaret, and Evangeline could tell that she wasn’t good news. She would press in close to him, tell him how handsome he was, that he would make a wonderful husband to ‘whoever he was going to marry’. Evangeline couldn’t wait until William was safe at home again, and away from that the other woman.

The following months were more lonely than the first few, since she found herself holed up during the winter months, and no one to talk to when it warmed up. Bram attempted to cheer her up by taking her into town to look at dresses. This would have helped, but this time the eyes of other people bothered her. She could feel them staring at her broader shoulders, her square chin, the small stubble that she'd neglected. Her father noticed as well, and glared back at those rude enough.

Evangeline picked out a lovely red dress, one that she knew would go well with one of William's outfits. She knew that he would love it when he came home for the summer. He arrived back on June 11th.

"I got to visit London in May. It is one of the most beautiful cities I've ever seen, you would love it. I want to take you there when we're married, if you'll still have me by then Evangeline"

She was taken aback.

 _If you will still have_ me _, William, then I will take everything you're willing to give me._

The summer was spent planning out the wedding, and their lives afterwards. Moving to London became one of William's favorite topics, and Evangeline was not one to let him down. However, she felt a small pang in her heart when they talked about it, knowing that it could all vanish the moment that she revealed what she was.

She had long since accepted that she would never bear any children of her own, but the pain resurfaced when William talked about the possibility of a baby. He smiled so brightly just talking about it, she didn't want to think about telling him that he couldn't have one with her. She cried when he left in August, now that she knew what it was like to miss him.

However, she had other issues to distract her from William. In mid September, her papa began to fall ill. He noticed a small fever at first, before he began in on his coughing fits. Evangeline wanted to take him into town to see a doctor, but he insisted that it was a minor cold. As the months went on, his health worsened, and his body weakened. Eventually, Evangeline stopped allowing him to leave their house for the harvest. She attempted to finish the rest of the work, and although most of it was already done, it was a rush to get it all done in time.

She took care of her father as best she could, though she really wanted to take him to a doctor, he told her not to spend such money on something that may just be a cold. On a cold October night, he asked her to sleep next to him for the night, “To keep warm”, he said.

As they lay there in the pitch black, they talked through the night about anything that came to mind. About how funny it was when Evangeline had been pulling the crop and she fell flat on her butt. About how she was going to make a perfect wife, and even if she couldn’t bear children, she could be a mother one way or another (“Do you think just because of your condition that you’re getting out of giving me grandchildren? Think again fraulein”). She had begun to fall asleep, when her papa began talking to her.

“The angel was right, you are truly my lovely daughter. Never forget what you are, Evangeline. You are the light of my life, and something in you will always be my precious baby girl. I love you.”

“I love you too, papa”

The next afternoon, sometime while Evangeline was talking with neighboring farmers, Bram saw the angel again, and slipped away with her.

Her father had always requested that his body be burned to ash and spread into the rain, so he could travel with the water as it went around the world. It was how her mother had been put to rest. Evangeline held a small funeral at the end of the month, for those who knew her father. Mr and Mrs Spears also attended. It was Mr Spears that embraced her as she wept, while Mrs Spears rested a hand on her arm.

True to his wishes, when a cold rain came, she released his ash into the wind. She watched every handful disappear with watery eyes until the small vase was empty.

When William had heard, he requested time off for mourning and returned home. He spent his 7 days comforting his Evangeline and holding her tightly. She knew that when he left, the loneliness would be so much worse, so she clung to him all during that time, just as tight.


	7. The Blizzard

She was right about one thing; the day that William went back to Cambridge was almost one of the worst of them.

"I'm sorry, love, but you know that I have to go back"

"I know, it doesn't make me miss you any less"

"Just think of it, a white wedding in the Summer. From then on, it's our own small world to have together. A beautiful house in London with you, our children and I. We won't have to worry about being far from each other ever again. All this, in only a few more years. I and my beautiful, blushing bride"

"You know what you do to me when you speak so sweetly..."

"I hope I do enough that you'll find some happiness in the coming months, and wait for me"

"I wouldn't dream of leaving. Don't be worried, William, I'm not going anywhere"

\---

The house was silent and still, and even when she filled the house with singing, or cooking, or a warm fire, the empty bed was a constant reminder that the noise was only temporary, shallow relief. Evangeline tended to her chores, though no one reminded her, she always remembered. She kept herself busy no matter what, she knew she couldn't be left idle for too long, especially since the coming winter meant that there would be little to do outside.

She visited the Spears' sometimes, to bring them things that she baked, though she didn't see Mrs Spears much anymore. Whenever she asked Mr Spears, he insisted that she was somewhere baking, or sleeping. Mr Spears looked at her with tight lips and sad eyes, as if he pitied her. She found solace in the fact that someone worried about her.

She had a worse time when she had to go into town to stock up for winter. The stares were even worse when she was all alone, and she merely kept her gaze to the path. The shopping hadn't drained all of their savings from the harvest, but she knew that there wasn't much left. She came to the grim realization that she would have to take over the crops, and it made her head hang. Despite her developing male body, she had never been big and strong like her papa. She couldn't do it all on her own, but she knew that she had no money to be hiring extra hands.

The pressure set in on the second week. Evangeline looked in the mirror, and was filled with an outrage unlike she had ever felt. Why was she in this body that was so sickeningly not hers? Why couldn't she have the soft features, the dainty stature, the long eyelashes, the plump lips, the chest, the hips that she wanted so much? _Why must I be stuck feeling so ill at ease within this body?_

The tears streamed down her cheeks as she looked into her own brown eyes, the only things that weren't completely masculine. But even then, brown is such a dull color. All of her pain, the fundamental otherness that made her spirit writhe beneath her skin and drove her mad with every day. She wanted everything to stop, she wanted the thoughts, the feelings, the world to stop. She wanted to break, to destroy, to hurt, to kill, to plunge her fist into that damned mirror as far back as the wall-

The sharp, stinging pain in her hand forced Evangeline's rage to flood from her, and she became aware of the broken shards, and her bleeding hand. She almost immediately snapped out of her state of shock, and ran to grab a cloth. There were a few shards still digging into her knuckles that she plucked out carefully. She wrapped her hand, and sat in a little wooden chair to think. She was surprised at herself; she had never let her emotions get so out of hand that she actually resorted to violence. She looked back to the shattered remnants of the mirror, and began to clean it up. _At least I don't have to look at it anymore._

\---

December came last. It was just after a snow storm that Evangeline had decided to check in with the Spears. She knew that William would be coming home within the week, and his last letter detailed how he was bringing miss Margaret Kinsleigh home so they could meet each other. That was the last thing that Evangeline wanted, but she supposed that she'd finally make sure that this woman knew who William's fiance really was.

Evangeline knocked on the door, and looked behind her. The clouds indicated that another storm was coming, bigger than the last. She couldn't stay long, lest she become stuck.

When the door opened, Aisling stood in front of it. She gave Evangeline a weak smile. 

"Hello there Evangeline, come to visit?"

"Only for a bit, I don't want to impose. Just checking in on how the storm treated you all"

"Aye, very frigid out there indeed. Well come in now lass, can't have ye shivrin' out in the cold now can we?"

Evangeline stepped inside as Aisling shut the door behind her.

"Mr Spears is in his study, and the lady of the house is upstairs in her room, I'll go fetch them-"

"That won't be necessary, Aisling" Mrs Spears' voice echoed from the stairs, and the woman in question descended them, stopping halfway down, "There is no need to bother my husband right now. Begin preparing dinner, _Aisling_ "

There was hiss in her voice, as Evangeline saw Aisling tense a bit before she quickly bowed her head.

"Yes m'um."

The girl quickly left the room, and Evangeline was left with Mrs Spears in the entryway.

"What do you want?" Mrs Spears asked curtly.

Evangeline made sure to choose her words carefully. "I just wanted to check in with you all, after the storm"

"Yes, well we're all fine. You may go if that's all"

Evangeline wondered if she had done something to upset Mrs Spears, or if she was just in a mood.

"Alright, Mrs Spears. I'll see you in a few days, when William is home" she turned to leave.

"I don't think that will be necessary, Evangeline"

Evangeline turned back, confused. Mrs Spears answered the question on her face.

"I think this has gone on long enough, don't you?"

"Mrs Spears, I don't understand"

"Don't play games with me child," the older woman hissed, "I am stopping this now"

"Please, I'm not playing games, I don't know what you're talking about!"

Mrs Spears glared before it dawned on her. "He- your father never told you did he?"

Evangeline was only more confused, so Mrs Spear elaborated.

"I'm sure you remember the first day you came here? You were a young girl, and your father wanted to talk to me and my husband" Mrs Spears came the rest of the way down the stairs, "A few days before then, he saw... something quite inappropriate, involving our family. Did you ever wonder what we talked about? Did you ever realize? Your father has been blackmailing this family for the past eight years with what he saw. Demanding money when 'the goings get tough'"

Mrs Spears glared, cold and cruel, and Evangeline shrank away from her in absolute shock. "And forcing me to allow you and my son to be around each other every day. I didn't mind William having a friend to play with, even if you were less than the ideal friend. But when he began courting you, it became unacceptable"

"I don't understand, I thought you-"

"What. That I was happy when you two were engaged? That my son was going to anchor himself to some girl that couldn't do anything for him? My William is a man with a bright future, and he only deserves a woman that would contribute to that"

Evangeline felt a jolt of pain in her heart, she never had a clue that Mrs Spears resented her so much.

"Now that your father has passed, he can no longer hold that night over my head, and I don't have to allow you anywhere near my son, or my family"

Evangeline never felt such a cold fear as this. She couldn't lose William. _He is the only one for me!_

"You- you can't! William wouldn't forget about me!"

"William will see reason when I tell him that you two were only close because you have been _manipulating us_ all his life. You wanted to attach yourself to himself like a leech, to suck all of the potential out of him and drag him to your level"

Hot tears spilled from Evangeline's eyes, as she clenched her fists. This wasn't fair, she didn't do anything wrong. She wanted to speak, to defend herself, but the words wouldn't come. Mrs Spears beat her to it.

"I have been generous, allowing you to stay around after everything, but my patience has reached its end. If I see you anywhere near this house, or those docks, I won't hesitate to have you taken away"

"Y-you can't! I haven't-"

"Some poor farmer's daughter, trying to mooch money out of my family after she couldn't keep up with her own land, and refusing to leave us alone. Perhaps the grief has caused her to go into a delirium, poor thing. Doesn't make her any less dangerous"

"Please, please I love him, he loves me-"

"He doesn't love you! He only _thinks_ he loves you because you're the only girl he's ever known. When he meets more, _better_ ladies, he will no doubt realize his own worth"

Evangeline sobbed at that.

"Leave this house, now. I don't want to see you again."


	8. Her Finale

Evangeline returned home, feeling nothing. She was absolutely numb, and after putting away her horse, and starting the fire to keep the house warm, she laid down on her father's bed. When her mind began to replay the conversation through her head, over and over again, the pain came back in an instant. She pulled a pillow to her chest, and curled into it.

Evangeline screamed in agony. She couldn't believe the audacity of God, to play these tricks on her. To force her into a body that she loathed, to take everyone who loved her. Her mother, her father, the Spears, William.

She screamed, and screamed until her voice wouldn't allow her the pleasure anymore. She cried silently after that, begging to wake up and for it all to be over. That William was coming home to tell her that he loved her, and that she was still his beautiful bride.

\---

She woke up when the sky was pitch black, and the fire was dwindling. The storm howled her name, it seemed, as she got out of the cold bed. As the events of the previous afternoon seeped back into her consciousness, she shuddered, and lit a candle. She was hungry, since she didn't eat lunch or dinner, but she had no motivation to do anything more than sit on the edge of the bed, and shiver from the cold.

The horrible thoughts came rushing back into her head. Her shoulders, her fingers, her chest, her jaw, her hips, her voice, her stubble, her being. How no matter what she wore, she looked like a man in a dress. How she would never see William again, and even if she did, there was no guarantee that he'd still want her when he finally knew what she had always been.

_I'll never have him, or his love, ever again._

She dug her hands into her hair and pulled, trying in desperation to make the hurting end. Fresh tears came over her, as she let herself fall backwards onto the table.

She sobbed in her pain and anger, and she started hyperventilating. She put her hand down on the table, but pulled it away immediately when a sharp pain ran through her palm, and she yelped.

She saw the broken mirror fragments that she had kept in a cloth. She hadn't gotten rid of them yet, and now her hand was bleeding once again. She felt her temper boil over at this, as she clenched her fist on her wound.

Everything made her so angry. Her confusion, her dysphoria, her isolation, it enraged her. She was so full of these feelings that she hated, and these thoughts that wouldn't go away no matter how she tried. She wanted to break something, she wanted her mind to be quiet, she wanted to feel happy again, she wanted William T Spears, she wanted to be loved again, she wanted to stop, she wanted to stop existing, _I wanted to slice that glass up and down my arms until everything stopped_ -

Evangeline snapped out of her hysteria for no apparent reason. She glanced down and saw what she'd done. Both of her arms were sliced messily down the middle from her wrists to her elbows. The blood gushed from them and fell to the floor, and the miror fragment that she'd used was digging into her palm.

She gasped and threw the sharp object to the ground.

_No, what did I do?_

She felt lightheaded as she stumbled for an old shawl of hers. She wrapped it tightly around her arm, though her vision was becoming blurry.

_I wasn't ready! I didn't mean to_

She wrapped her scarf around the other. She felt so drowsy all of a sudden, but she still added a little wood to the fire. She felt so cold.

_I made a mistake that I couldn't take back, and so..._

She laid back down in her bed, shivering in the cold. She pressed against the pillow once again, and pressed her arms close to her chest. The cloths were both soaked through already, and she drifted off, praying that she'd wrapped the bandages tight enough.

_No amount of bandages could have saved me. The odds were against me from the start of it._

\---

Evangeline awoke with a jolt, and she yelped. Her vision wouldn't come back into focus, but she knew that she didn't recognize anything around her.

She tried to stand, but stumbled. Her body was... lighter. She began to tremble, frightened by her lack of vision and not knowing where she was. She could barely remember what happened before she woke, but she remembered the pain in her arms. She looked at her arms very closely, and saw two, jagged scars that ran from her wrists to her elbows.

Suddenly, a door to her right that she didn't even see, opened, and someone walked in. Evangeline couldn't make out any features on their face.

"Come now sir, we haven't got all day"

Sir? Evangeline had never been called that before. She stood, shakily, and began walking toward the person. It turned out to be a man, in a black tail coat.

"My name is Daniel Adley, I'll be your adjustment officer for the coming few years"

He took Evangeline's hand, to steady her, and held something out to her. She took it and held it to her face. She had no idea what it was, since it was so blurry.

"Oh, yes, slipped my mind, you wouldn't know would you"

The man took the object back, and fiddled with it, before gently placing it on her nose.

Evangeline blinked, and realized that she could see clearly through the glass of the object.

"They're not the best pair in the world, but they'll do for now. Now come along, they have to read your sentence"

"Sentence?"

Evangeline gasped at the voice that wasn't hers, as Daniel began leading her out of the room, and into a hallway.

"Oh, yes, some people change themselves more than others during the transition. If you want, I could get you a mirror after your sentencing"

"Sentencing for what?"

Daniel looked at her with a mixture of pity and frustration.

"I really don't have time to explain it all now, but I promise that I'll explain when they're done"

They reached a large, wooden door, and Daniel must have seen the nervousness on her face.

"Don't worry, you'll be just fine I promise"

He opened the door and gestured for Evangeline to step through it. She did so hesitantly, and Daniel shut the door gently behind her.

There were three people sitting behind tall podiums, though none of them looked at her. The one to the right spoke.

"Arthur Paulein, you have been convicted of taking your own life before you were scheduled to die, thus changing the course of the world by some degree"

Evangeline hadn't heard that name in years, how did they know it? They continued.

"On December 10th, 1634 at 2:37 a.m, you ended your life by severing both of your radial arteries, before the scheduled time, which was to be April 28th, 1676 at 4:01 p.m, due to a heart attack"

The woman farthest left began to speak. "You were supposed to live 42 more years. Through our systems, this brings you to a total sentence of 966 years in service"

The man on the right retorted, "However, since you did realize your mistake and attempted to correct it before your passing, and seeing how there was no way you could have saved yourself, that is a thirty year deduction on your sentence. This brings you to 936 years"

"Considering his mental condition at the time of death," the left one started, "I would suggest allowing him and his Adjustment Officer to decide when he is fit to work, for best possible results"

"Very well then. Mr Paulein," (Evangeline hated the sound of that), "you are guilty of the charge of suicide. You are hereby sentenced to 936 years of service as a Grim Reaper. Your sentence will not be lowered, however it can be lengthened as a punishment for misbehavior. You have been provided with trainee spectacles, and an apartment where you will spend off time. If you require things to be explained in greater detail, your adjustment officer is trained to do so. Good day, sir"


	9. The Hospital

_"A name change? That's the first thing you want?"_

_"My old name is part of my past life, which is over, and I'd rather not go around with people calling me 'Arthur'"_

_"Alright, do you have one in mind? I could submit an application for you"_

_"Yes, and I actually have the application form already filled out"_

_"Oh, already? Huh... Grell Sutcliff? If you don't mind my asking, where did the inspiration come from?"_

_"Grell is a pretty name, don't you think? A nice German name. And Sutcliff just flows along so sweetly behind it. 'Grell Sutcliff', it already sounds like it's mine"_

Grell blinked her eyes open. Almost every muscle ached, and she could barely move at all. She took her time lifting her head, to look around the room she was in.

_The infirmary. Looks like it was pretty bad._

She laid still for what felt like hours, knowing extreme agony would follow if she attempted to move too much. As she was alone with her thoughts, she thought back to her earlier trip down memory lane, and a small tear slipped out of her eye. While she hated to relive the memory of her abandonment, her pain, her death, she at least got to remember back to all those wonderful times with her Will. She knew that he still had that romantic side in him, she just did, and she'd call it a blessing if he ever gave it to her again.

She had also become a bit nostalgic for her first few moments as a reaper. She never knew that the cinematic record continued into the life of a shinigami, so she hadn't expected to see those moments in her timeline.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a nurse entering the room.

"Mr Sutcliff, good to see that you're awake-"

" _Miss_ Sutcliff, if you please" Grell corrected bitterly. She noted how her voice was a bit hoarse.

"... right, miss. While you were asleep we tested you for the Thorns, which came back negative, thank goodness"

Grell sighed in relief. "Thank goodness indeed. Now what about this gash, then?" she gestured to her chest with her hand.

"The wound was very deep, and the attack damaged several organs and temporarily severed your spinal cord. As for the former, they have all been growing back at a good pace. We've set your spine to a position where it can repair itself, but you will be paralyzed from the waist down for a week or more"

"Oh _joy_. Any other good news?"

The man looked at her strangely. "A few friends of yours from the dispatch visited you earlier, and I informed them that I would call them if you woke up. That is, if you'd want to see them right now?"

Grell perked up a bit. "A blonde and a little forensics specialist with green hair?"

"Yes and-"

"Oh that'd be Ronnie and Othello. Sweet things came to see me!"

"Yes, and the other?"

"Other? What other?"

"Your supervisor, Mr Spears? He came a little while before the first two-"

"Will came to see me? Oh that perfect man, he must be so worried about me!"

"Would you like me to inform them that you're awake"

"Oh yes please! I wonder if he's been worrying himself all day, poor dearest Will"

The nurse left with a look of confusion, as Grell smiled to herself. Her William had come to visit her in the hospital. Had he come in while she was asleep? Did he hold her hands in his and beg her to wake up for him? Were there tears? She squealed at the thought of her love missing her so deeply.

_Grell Spears or William Sutcliff?_

\---

An hour later, Ronald knocked on the door of her room, and she greeted him with a large grin.

"Ronnie, you came to see me!"

"'Course I did. You got hurt pretty badly out there, how are 'ya?"

"Paralyzed, darling, but none the worse for wear"

Ronald pulled a chair up to her bed, and handed her a single rose.

"Oh _Ronald Knox_ you _womanizer_!"

"What? 'S custom to bring someone flowers in the hospital. Figured you could use the cheering up, and I reckon you do, what with bein' paralyzed an' all"

Grell smiled, and placed the flower on the sheets beside her.

"Well you've done that splendidly. I heard you darlings came to visit me earlier"

"Oh yeah. Me and Othello wanted to check in. It's been a few days since what happened"

"And William?"

"What about William?"

"The nurse says that you, Othello and Will came to see me while I was asleep"

Ronald tilted his head. "Well me and Othello did sure, but we didn't see Spears. I assumed that he would just call to ask when you'd be back at work"

Grell felt her heart flutter. He came on his own? How romantic of him, but where was he now? If he had wanted to see her, wouldn't he be rushing to get to her side?

Ronald continued on. "But yeah, lot o' people were pretty worried about you, 'specially after seeing your cinematic record go everywhere-"

"What?!" Grell would have bolted upright if not for her condition.

"Did you not see?" Ronald asked, "when the deserter hit ya, he played your record. We were worried that the cut was serious if we were seeing your record"

Grell tuned him out then. If everyone there saw her record, could Will have seen it?

"What did Will do?" she asked him quickly.

Ronald just looked at her strange.

"When he saw my record, Ronald! What did he say? Did he even say anything at all?"

Ronald began to realize why Grell was so anxious, and stared at her.

"Ronald Knox, answer me! Did he see it?!"

"Thought that the guy in your record looked familiar. That was 'im, wasn't it?"

Grell's eyes widened. Was it so obvious that it was William? William had been a large part of her life, so it was no question that he would be in her record, but had everyone seen? Her silence answered his question.

"Does he know?"

"Not before all this he didn't, but now I don't know..."

"Well he was... quiet, when he saw you. He told us all to get back to dispatch, and he stayed behind to call for medics. I haven't seen him since"

Grell wanted to throw up. Did William know? He _couldn't_ know, Grell had worked hard to make sure he never knew who she'd been. She felt herself welling up. What would he think of her? Would he be upset with her for hiding it?

"Oh, shit, uh-" Ronald looked anxiously around before grabbing her a tissue. Grell took it, lest she look like more of a mess.

"Is everything okay?"

"It's... complicated, Ronald. William and I did know each other in life, but it didn't end well. I would rather not talk about it"

Ronald gave her a look, before standing up.

"I really have to get back to dispatch anyways, I'm on lunch. What should I tell Will?"

Grell paused to look at her hands. Her hands that finally had the slim, pretty fingers that she admired in other women.

"Tell him tomorrow morning, if you must. I want some time to... to think."

Ronald nodded, and Grell smiled at him, opening her arms for a hug. Ronald gave it to her, and said goodbye before leaving her to her anxious thoughts.


	10. Her William

Grell spent the rest of her day getting her rest, and when she wasn't asleep, she was worrying. What would happen when William came to visit her? Things were going so well, in her book. William was her icy prince, and she, his fiery princess. She would flirt and tease him, and even if he didn't show it, she knew in her heart that what they had was special. Sure, he could be colder than the worst of Decembers, but Grell was certain that she could warm him up.

 _But now he probably knows everything, and it's all going to be ruined_ she thought, angrily. She suddenly felt a rush of nostalgia.

_"Damn it, Daniel, he's here!"_

_"Who is here, Grell?"_

_"William T_ bloody _Spears is here! H-he just joined my class! He looks the exact same as he used to, a-and he sounds the same, acts the same!"_

_"Grell, calm down-"_

_"No Daniel! Why is he here? He had a good life, a good family. And why is he_ here _?! Is this a punishment for something?!"_

_"Grell, bear with me, perhaps this could be a good thing! You can finally talk to William and get some closure-"_

_"No! I can't tell him who I am! He'll know that I'm- I'm not really a woman!"_

_"Grell, you can't just lie to him"_

_"The hell I can't! William's memories of me are already spoiled enough as it is. But ruin them even further... I can't do it"_

_"Grell, it isn't my place to tell him, but I really don't think this is good for you"_

_"Thank you Daniel, but I think I can decide that for myself. Perhaps I can just avoid him altogether. There's no reason that I have to even interact with him"_

She had treated him as horribly as she possibly could to keep her distance, but despite her efforts, he wormed his way back into her heart. Their final fight was the last straw for her, she would never forget the way he took her down.

_From above,_

She could see the concentration in his eyes, and feel the effort that he put into each swing of his sickle. Though his composure never faltered, he couldn't mask the energy that he put forth.

_From below,_

Grell never had an opening to attack back, though she wouldn't have put any focus into it if she did. Her eyes were locked onto his, though he did not return her gaze. His attention was on her stance, her position, and her weaknesses. His eyes met hers for a brief moment, before returning to his assault.

_Face to face,_

In a single second, she could no longer see him, but suddenly took a hard blow to her back that sent her to her knees. She couldn't take the blows anymore, they each sent shock wave after shock wave of such a _wonderful_ feeling through her. For William to put so much effort and attention into her, she could only equate the feeling to the pure bliss of the true love she had found in him all those years ago.

_And behind._

Grell, Evangeline, nor Arthur had ever felt the intensity of such effort devoted to only her. William had put his best moves into their fight, he had given her the best he had, and she was quite satisfied with what she got. The passion, the energy, it was almost too much for her to handle, but she knew that William's true colors were far too bright to ignore.

So she stepped up her game in the academy. She upped her scores as best she could, to ensure that she and William would not be separated from each other ever again. This was a second chance with him. She had not taken advantage of the passions that William had when they were both alive, but he had followed her into death and she would be damned if she allowed herself to pass him up again.

The sun was beginning to set, while Grell let the thoughts of her past flow idly in her head. She didn't feel the sadness of it all anymore; even through torture of the worst kind, after some time, the feeling dulls. She couldn't really ask for more, in her opinion. She was a god of death, a job which gave her a rush to calm her nerves. Her William had been given back to her, and she had been able to still live as the beautiful woman that she longed to be.

She smiled to herself, when she heard a knock on the door of her room.

"Sutcliff"

_Oh no, oh no, he's here, why is he here?! Ronald must have snitched on me, that little-!_

"May I enter?"

Grell wished her legs worked, so she could jump out of bed and climb out the window perhaps. Maybe she'd break them again, but then she might be moved to a different room that William couldn't find until they healed, and she could avoid him for the rest of her sentence-

"Sutcliff I know you're awake, you have to answer some time."

Grell took a deep breath, fisted the sheets in her hands, and responded.

"Come in"

She didn't look at him as he opened the door and closed it behind him. William stood stark still for a minute, before walking to the chair at Grell's bedside and sitting down.

When Grell had the courage to glance at her supervisor, she noticed that he was missing his overcoat, and his hair was less than perfect. That was unusual. The worst of it was looking into his eyes, to find that he was staring blankly back. Grell's throat was dry, but she spoke.

"Will dear! You came to see me while I'm hurt, I'm touched!"

"I saw your cinematic record, Grell."

Grell decided that responding wouldn't be best, so she stared down at the sheets. When William got no response, he chose to continue.

"I was in it. We did know each other in life, and I have an idea of who you were, but I would prefer if you would tell me yourself, though it's a bit _late_ for it."

His tone was cold, but there was something else. Anger? Was he going to hit her? Grell wanted to tell him, but the words 'My name was Evangeline' wouldn't form. Instead, her eyes pleaded with him to not make her say it out loud. William stared right back, with an intensity that told her, 'You have to'.

Grell breathed a shaky sigh of resignation. This was it, the end of everything she had with him. She wanted to cry, to scream, but she instead said the words that she never knew would hurt so bad until she spoke them aloud.

"We were engaged"

Both of them felt the effects of the words wash over them. William's eyes were wide open, while Grell kept hers squeezed shut. As numb as she had been earlier to her emotions, she couldn't help the stinging of tears in her eyes. She knew that he was going to be upset, but in what way was a mystery. The words stung, reminding her that she couldn't go back to that wonderful time, when she was just happy to be a bride, and hopeful for a life with her William.

After several seconds of silence, Grell heard William exhale, and she opened her eyes to see him grabbing his death scythe. She gasped and leaned away from him with wide eyes.

_He's angry with me._

"Will, please don't dear, just- just let me explain-"

Instead of attacking her, he flipped his scythe and pressed the blade into his own skin. He drew a line up his arm (quite similar to someone else he knew), making a deep cut. Grell gaped at him.

"William, have you gone completely mad?!"

William didn't respond, but instead watched as his cinematic record began to show itself. Grell gasped as William skimmed through the frames and moments in his life (many of which contained her), and stopped at a certain point in his.

He stared at it for a moment, before looking back at Grell and presenting the moment in time to her.


	11. Her Result

William T Spears arrived back in Münster at 4:30 in the afternoon. While his parents were waiting for him there, he didn't see Evangeline anywhere which was odd, since she'd usually be all over him the moment he set down his bags. However, he was sure that the last few days had been hard on her, being all alone in her house.

"Oh I'm sure she's just fine, William. Poor girl is most likely at home, sleeping in" his mother said, nonchalantly. William nodded.

When he and his family arrived back home, he set his bags in his old room, and felt a sense of calm at the familiarity. He read a book until dinner, and when he came downstairs, he was surprised that Evangeline was nowhere to be found. It was not out of her character to invite herself over, especially when she knew he was going to be home that day. His father encouraged him to leave it until morning.

"That storm was hard on us all, it may not have been safe for her to leave her home today. Wait until the day warms up a bit, she'll come around I'm sure" he said. William nodded.

The family ate dinner, and shared stories of what had happened over the past few months that they'd been apart. After a while they moved their conversation to the parlor, keeping a casual conversation until William's mother spoke.

"That girl you've written about, Margaret, yes? Tell me, what is she like?"

William gave her a strange look, before responding. "Margaret is fine, I suppose. She's warm, excitable, if a bit plain. She has dark brown hair and eyes, and she's a bit small"

"A good girl?"

"Being a professor's daughter, I would assume so, yes"

"I'm glad you found a nice young lady, strong connections to the upper classes are quite important, you know"

"Well be assured that Margaret is a good friend of mine, and her father claims to be impressed with my work"

"Ah, your professor? I'm sure he must have a high opinion of you"

"Indeed. If I may ask, where exactly is this leading?"

William's mother only smirked, "Oh nowhere, son. I just wonder about your relationships from time to time. You were never the lad for friends, especially none that were girls, but I can see that you've grown away from all that"

William began to feel a bit uncomfortable, so he politely excused himself with the excuse of, "It's been a bit of a journey, I'd rather get an early night's sleep on solid ground"

Walking quietly to his room, he pondered what his mother had meant. _Could she have been hinting at a future between Margaret and I? Honestly..._

After undressing and turning out the light, drifting off to sleep was easy, though he couldn't help his impatience to see his fiance the next morning.

When he did wake, the sky was already bright, and the house was warm. After dressing himself, he greeted Aisling in the kitchen.

"Master William, didn't get ta see much of ye last night"

"Good morning Aisling" he said, "would you happen to know the time?"

Aisling looked to the large clock. "Around 8:30 sir"

William nodded, as Aisling walked back into the kitchen.

"How many eggs would ye like?"

"Two is fine, thank you. Easy-"

"Easy, sunny side up, I remember. Ye've eaten eggs the same way ever since you were seven."

William smiled fondly. While Aisling was never a nanny, she was far warmer and more loving than his mother ever was. He loved both of his parents, but they had always been distant, which Aisling had made up for.

After his breakfast, William's thoughts drifted to Evangeline. Where was she? She was always all over him when he came home, so why was she not around now? William started to stand just as his parents entered the dining room.

"Ah, I was hoping you were awake. I'm going to see Evangeline, I haven't seen her yet" he told them.

"William, about that, we need to have a talk" his mother said, uncharacteristically cautious.

"It's about Evangeline-"

"Mother, I know how you think of Evangeline, and I do not find it in myself to care"

His mother stiffened in indignation.

"William, mind your tongue. And this is about something different."

William felt a strange pang of annoyance. He hadn't felt that towards his family often, but he felt it now, as he donned his coat and his hat.

"Whatever you may have to say, you can certainly say it to Evangeline and I both."

With that he left through the front door, hitching up his horse (he had gotten it so he could make trips into town on his own), and riding off towards Evangeline's house. Upon arriving, he knocked gently upon the door, and received no answer.

"Evangeline?" he called, yet no response.

He noticed how there was no light coming from the windows. Was she still asleep? That seemed strange, since she had always gotten up early for her chores that she had suddenly received more of.

Hesitantly, he turned the door knob, knowing that Evangeline wouldn't mind if he came in.

The fireplace was unlit, and inside the house was hardly warmer than outside. William could barely see anything in the darkness, but he looked to the loft where he knew Evangeline slept.

"Evangeline, are you awake?"

It was then that William noticed the dark stain on the bed to his right. It was Evangeline's late father's bed, but as his eyes finally adjusted, he noticed the lump in the sheets, and the white-blonde hair.

His relief was quickly squashed as more dark spatters became apparent on the sheets underneath the girl. He was on the bed in an instant.

"Evangeline? Evangeline!"

He ripped the covers away to find that it was her, as he rolled her onto her back. Her face was pale, far too pale, and there was blood on her cheek.

"No, _no_ , wake up!"

He pressed his hand to her chin, her skin was cold as the room around her.

"Evangeline, wake up-" William finally saw that her arms had been wrapped up with fabrics.

"No, no, no, _no_ " he unwound the scarf from her left wrist and found the jagged gash that dragged its way through her skin. He choked at that, and his breathing quickened.

"Evangeline you _can't!_ " He found that her other arm had a similar wound.

 _Suicide_ , he thought. _She took her own life._

William turned his attention back to her face, leaning in to see her. Her lips were a shade blue from the cold, William subconsciously pulled her closer to keep her warm, as he had done for her just weeks before. She wouldn't hold him back now.

William pulled her to his chest, and exhaled a shaky breath, seeing her so limp and lifeless. She would never speak to him, or write to him, or hold him, or _marry_ him.

William sobbed at that -when had he started crying?- as he held her closer still to him, pleading with anyone that would listen that she was still alive, and would come back to him. He held her limp hand in his and cried into her hair as he gently rocked her back and forth.

He didn't know how long he stayed, or how cold it had gotten, or how exactly it had all happened, or if he was even awake the whole time. What he did remember was Aisling's cry of pain from the open door behind him and her arms wrapping around him tightly, before she ran out to fetch help. William and Evangeline sat undisturbed for a while longer, and before he knew it his parents were leading him out of the small house, as the undertaker walked past them.

The memories blurred after that, as they did for everything that seemed so _dull_.


	12. Her Jealousy

Grell felt her throat tighten as she watched the scene. It pained her to see her William so distressed, and over what _she'd_ done no less. She briefly looked at William's face to find that other than his slightly furrowed brow, his face was still blank, so she looked away.

William retracted his record, standing as he did. Grell felt panic.

"William wait-"

"That's too much, for today"

William was already out the door before she could explain herself, his arm freely dripping red blood.

She sat in quiet silence for a moment, as her brain processed what had happened. The interaction hadn't been what she expected (really, she didn't know what she expected), but it had been far worse. He was upset with her, that much was very clear, but for what reason? For the suicide? For never telling him? For romancing him for hundreds of years and not ever mentioning that they had once been engaged? She retracted in on herself, holding her head in her hands, despite the burning protests from her still healing wound.

These facts, and the knowledge that through her own death, she had learned how much William loved her. However, it had left a deep wound in him. Was that the reason for his coldness, his dismissive nature? She laughed aloud to herself at that thought.

_What a cruel, bittersweet irony. Now that he's shown his love for me, he won't love me again._

Grell fought back a noise that could have only been a whimper, she couldn't bear to be any weaker at that moment. She wanted to fix everything, to bring things back to the way that they were. Even when William was cruelest to her was better than the emptiness that he'd shown her in those minutes. She truly couldn't see any of the passion that she so loved in his face, it was gone. And would that be the new normal? This time she couldn't fight the tears down, and she sobbed into her hands. The ache was familiar, but sharp.

She slammed her fist into her leg, though she felt nothing, and did so twice more as she came to the grim realization that William not only knew who, but _what_ she was. He had never supported her when she finally showed herself to him as a reaper, merely accepting her as some crazed man. Would their memories together be poisoned with the knowledge that she was never the woman he thought she was? Grell dug her hands into her hair, and cried her centuries' worth of tears.

\---

The feeling returned to her legs the next afternoon, though she didn't have much interest in using them then. The nurse encouraged her to try standing, and surprise, it didn't work out so well.

"Even if you can't walk much yet, you are healing ahead of schedule. If you keep on your current rate, you should be able to walk again in two days time"

Grell surprisingly didn't find herself so excited. How would everything be different when she was out? Would she ever see Will's exciting passions ever again, or had he lost interest in her completely?

She was planning on sleeping the day away, so she wouldn't have to think too much about everything, when there was a knock on the door.

"Sutcliff, it's Spears"

_Again?! Why is he back?! What else could he possibly want from me?! That bloody sadist probably enjoys seeing what this does to me!_

Grell considered her plan from the day before, of escaping through the window to her left. She quietly pulled the covers off of her, and swung her legs off of the edge of the bed.

_What does that stupid doctor know? He doesn't know me, and with the situation at hand, there's more than enough motivation for me to just get out-_

Grell stood shakily, and took one step before her knees gave out on her. She let out a yelp as she hit the hard linoleum floor, her palms taking the brunt of the fall. She grumbled to herself (something about Undertaker's stupid scythe being so large), before hearing the door open, and quick footsteps behind her.

"Grell, _honestly_ " William exclaimed, "do you not think before you act?"

Grell felt two hands underneath her arms, lifting her off of the ground.

"The doctors said that you aren't going to be walking any time soon, you _know_ that"

She blushed as William wrapped one arm around her waist to steady her and sat her down on the bed once again, fussing over her hospital gown.

"You _are_ aware that you could have broken your stitches, correct? That could set your release back, and if you're so eager to leave, you _could_ try some _caution_ "

William didn't return Grell's stare, situating her underneath the blankets once again. When his rant was finished, however, his eyes met hers, and they were both quiet. It was Grell that looked away first, opting to stare at her chipped nails (if the situation were less dire, she'd be having a fit over the state of her polish).

She heard William sigh as he walked back to the other side of the bed and sat in the chair he had yesterday. The silence was worse than words, so Grell spoke up.

"I almost thought that you wouldn't be coming back"

William seemed to snap out of a daze when she talked.

"That was never my intention, the situation was quite... overwhelming, for me"

"I would imagine so" Grell said, as she let a little tension out of her shoulders, "It isn't every day one sees their own cinematic record"

William only responded with that same blank stare. Grell fidgeted.

"I wanted only to show you what happened past your death. What I saw"

Grell tensed again, but more from the accusatory tone in his voice.

"So it was for revenge...?" she asked hesitantly.

William glared. "No, revenge had nothing to do with this"

"So why would you show me then William?" Grell felt anger bubbling in her core. "It isn't as if that's where you died, mm? Lived for another fourteen years after that, I believe"

"That isn't why I wanted to show you, I-"

"Don't try to pretend like you had nothing after me either. I visited the living world after a while, you know. That woman, _Margaret,_ " her words were dripping with venom, "the one you always wrote about, your 'friend'? What a 'friend' she turned out to be! Seemed like a wonderful wife, bore you _children_ no less"

"Grell," William's voice was dangerous, "you don't know what you're talking about"

"Oh of course I don't! I'm just pointing out that you clearly moved on to _better things_."

"Sutcliff-"

"After all, I couldn't have possibly been a good wife, being _what I am_. I couldn't have given you children, or any form of pleasure"

" _Sutcliff!_ "

"So I suppose I'm happy that you lived out your life with another woman that you said you didn't love! Except, William _dearest_ , you _didn't_ live out your life. You ended your life early, and wound up _here_ with _me_. Why?! Why are you here, when you had everything so much better?!"

William stood abruptly, face red with anger. Grell was startled for only a moment before her own anger made her return his glare.

"Do you honestly think that I could have loved anyone else like I loved you?! You were my world, and I lost you! No one could have ever mattered as much to me!"

"You had reasons to live!"

"But I had a very good reason to die." William hissed, turning his back to the bed.

Grell wanted nothing more than to slap the sense into him, to make him tell her exactly how this was better than life, but she didn't need to want it for too long.

"After you died, it's true. I did return to England to finish school, and I married Margaret Kinsleigh afterwards. However, I didn't ever love her. Not like you"

William looked at her, with a look that could only be described as hurt.

"I was married for 12 years with two children, but I couldn't love my family completely, no matter how I tried to. Something was always wrong, that couldn't be described in words. But at the end of those 12 years, I found out exactly what had happened between you and mother- Aisling told me everything" William explained as he saw Grell's questioning face, "I found that I had... played right into her hands. I did exactly what she wanted; I finished university, I married the woman she wanted for me, I gave her grandchildren, and I was _never_ happy. She used me- _forced me_ to be what she wanted, her and father both"

William felt the tears welling up in his eyes. He felt as though crying was unnecessary; he knew what had happened, but he'd never said out loud, and not to Evangeline.

"My mother, she did horrible things that made you-... I was ignorant to everything my parents had done, so their actions were rewarded with my _obedience_. It- it wasn't _fair_ that I had just allowed them to dictate my life after they had done something so reprehensible to us both! I had decided that I would not allow them to continue on unpunished, and I-"

The words caught in his throat -when did the tears get bigger?- he had to take a breath to compose himself, and he didn't look at Grell anymore.

"I wrote letters. I wrote one to the public, and I explained everything. Your death, the blackmail, my parents' actions, I wanted them condemned for everything they had done. I wrote one to... to Margaret, and our children. I lied to her, every time I told her that I loved her, that I was happy. She may have been happy with what I said, but she was my friend, and she at least deserved the truth. My children deserved a father that could love them, and I could have never given them that. When I finished them all, I jumped from the top Cathedral clock tower" William looked Grell directly in the eye. "That is where my life ended, but I was dead long before I decided to jump"


	13. The Burst

Neither William nor Grell said anything, though the silence killed the latter reaper. She did her best to keep her head empty, because she knew that she wouldn't like the thoughts that would flood her head.

_He hates me._

She took a shaky breath, and squeezed her eyes shut tight in an attempt to force the words from her mind.

_He hates me because I hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him, but I still did._

William sighed suddenly, and began to turn away to leave the room. Grell panicked.

"William wait, please!" she shouted.

William only hesitated for a moment, before taking a step towards the door. Grell flung the sheets off of her once again, taking two steps towards the higher-up. She managed to catch his jacket sleeve before she fell to her knees, but she maintained her grip. William turned around in alarm.

"What are you doing, you know you can't-"

"Please don't go", her voice was quiet.

"Sutcliff-"

"Would you _stop_ calling me that?! You know me past my last name William!"

William swallowed a lump in his throat. "You can't be out of bed, you could do more damage to your wounds"

"You were going to walk out on me again!"

"It's not as if you will never see me again, we work in the same department"

"William you can't just leave me like this!"

"Like what? I have told you everything that I wanted to, so unless you want more details, _let go_ "

Grell tightened her hold on William's sleeve as he tried to pry her off. With everything she had, she clung to him, her only love.

"Please Will, I-I-"

"I said let go of me, Grell."

Grell paused, before finally releasing the fabric from her fingers. She sank fully to the floor, feeling her chest grow tighter still. William adjusted his sleeve before looking back to his coworker for a moment, after which, he wrapped his arms around her waist and helped her to the bed. Grell said nothing more, as she sat on the edge of the bed. She, once again, attempted to keep her head clear, but she was less successful.

 _His heart will never be mine, no matter how much I devote myself to him, because of everything I am, everything I_ did _. I'm not the woman he wants, I'm not even a woman. I lied to him, I hurt him. He's going to leave me, and this will be the last time that he speaks to me as anything more than some deranged man._

Grell didn't make a sound and kept her eyes closed in a silent, bleak resignation. She didn't dare to look at him, she knew that she would collapse once and for all. She wondered if they would even bother sending her back to the asylum, should she lose herself again, or if they would only punish her when she inevitably stepped out of line. A few tears slipped out of her eyes, and she did nothing to stop them from trailing down her cheeks.

_Perhaps, in this situation, it's appropriate for a lady to behave so unseemly in front of her love._

Grell felt fingertips gently touch the back of her hand, though she didn't move. William had taken off his gloves.

"Grell"

It was soft, the way William said her name, it shouldn't have made her tense up so. She flinched as she felt something touch her cheek, which still didn't compel her to open her eyes. Whatever it was to be seen, it wouldn't be good, she knew for sure.

"Grell, please"

She knew he wouldn't let up, though she also knew she couldn't take whatever it was he was going to say.

_Demoted? Fired? Transferred? "I don't want to see you again"? No. No, I don't think I could survive that._

"Listen to me, Grell"

_He says it so gently. So perfectly. I hadn't known when I had chosen my name that it would pass so sweetly through your lips, my darling. When you say it, it truly is mine._

"We are both quite a bit different from when we last saw each other... alive, that is. I will admit that in our time as reapers I have grown close to you, despite our differences-"

_Oh Will, if I didn't know any better, I would think that you're about to tell me that you love me._

"-but we are not the same people that we were during our engagement"

_Ah, there it is. My love for you stands strong, William, after 200 years. Come the next 200, no matter how you change, you will no doubt still have my heart in your hand._

"But I would still be- Grell, what is that?"

_I don't want to look, Will. Tell me, won't you?_

"Grell, your stitches! You're bleeding!"

_I hadn't noticed, perhaps that's another reason that I won't look at you, my dearest._

"Excuse me, we need a doctor immediately, she's bleeding too much!"

_Do you honestly care if I die? Your concern is truly the sweetest of arias. This is operatic, isn't it Will? Ah, Traviata~_

She felt another hand on her cheek, she smiled and leaned into it. She knew it was him, or rather, she'd prefer to believe that her William would be at her side.

"Are you awake, Grell?"

_Am I? This feels too surreal. To have you here, even if you mean little by this. This is a sensation that I never thought I'd feel again. This side of you is what I've been craving._

Grell made a noise in the back of her throat, to let him know that she was indeed conscious.

"Grell, you tore your wound, you need to lie still and stay awake. The doctor will be here soon"

Grell opened her eyes, despite knowing better. He was closer than she'd anticipated, though she didn't mind. As she looked into his eyes, he was just as handsome as ever, his brow knitted with concern and staring back at her. She knew that it was truly now or never, if she wanted to express herself to him one last time. She gently leaned up for a kiss. It was soft because it didn't need to be heated, he already knew how her passions burned. She felt his lips for what felt like the first time, but they were as perfect as she remembered.

"Ich gebe dir mein Leben, Schatz" she whispered against him. It was all she could think to say, as William had to pull away to let the doctor work.

Grell saw no point of staying awake after that, and allowed herself to drift off as the doctor applied antibiotics to her wound.


End file.
